


Violation

by lighthouseglow



Series: The Tales That Really Matter [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aggression, Anders is really messed up, Anxiety Disorder, Biphobia, Bisexual Male Character, Bullying, Canon Bisexual Character, Childhood Memories, Demonic Possession, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Drabble Collection, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Game Spoilers, Gen, Hurts So Good, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Slash, Insomnia, Love/Hate, Married Couple, Moral Ambiguity, Nightmares, Party Banter, Personal Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Romance, Some Humor, Stealth Crossover, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, there will be a happy ending eventually I swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 45
Words: 8,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3687372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighthouseglow/pseuds/lighthouseglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Justice does not approve of my obsession with you..."  Moments from Anders' and Lily's relationship throughout the course of Dragon Age II and leading up to Dragon Age: Inquisition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Proud

**Author's Note:**

> Just me adding to my personal canon. Enjoy the drabbles!

_You’re hoping she’ll walk into your clinic again, aren’t you?_

_Shut up, Justice!_

_You have more important things to do than worry about the Hawke bitch._

_She’s **not** a bitch!_

_What are you, Anders?; Twelve years old?_ Justice sneers.

It’s as if the spirit has slapped him, but from the inside instead of across the face, the way one of the boys punched him in the face when he teased him about Karl. He had to have been twelve at the time and Karl five years older. “You’re a sissy, Anders. Boys don’t kiss _other boys_ and Karl doesn’t know anything any—”

“You fuck off!!! I’m going to _kill_ you!” He was too angry to use magic, though he could feel the fire building in his fingers, anyway. Anders pushed Brandon into the stone wall; he remembered being satisfied by seeing the blood drip from the younger boy’s forehead. “I would kiss a girl, too, and if you do that again I’ll burn you to a crisp. I’ve gotten good at it.”

_…No, Justice, not anymore._

_Liar. The aggression’s there and you’ll only break Lily if you…get involved with her._

“Shut up!!!” he screams into the empty clinic.


	2. Telephone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Anders, I get the sense that Isabela would listen to Lady Gaga. At least when she's drunk.

_Well, I think she’s…she’s…ah…she’s…very sweet. Amusing. Yes. Has a good attitude. Oh, and she can do beautiful things with her staff. Maker, that came out the wrong way._

…Well, this was certainly not what I expected to see while quickly glancing over Anders’s desk. I backed up with my face burning as if the desk was on fire.

“Alright, time to go patrol—Hawke? Are you okay?”

“Maker, it’s hot in this clinic! How _do_ you bear it?”

“With patience and fortitude.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

“What can I say? I’m tougher and more experienced than you!”

“Hey! Hey! Say that to my face, you arse, before you don’t _have_ an arse to fuck with anymore! …Not that anyone would fuck you, of course, since you’re either stonily silent or rant all the time! Come _back_ here, Anders!”

As I picked up speed, I _swear_ Isabela coughed, “Hot hate sex.”

…Maybe I imagined it, though…


	3. I Can See What's Happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I'm one of those people who wanted Can You Feel The Love Tonight from _The Lion King_ to be funny, which was how it was originally supposed to be.

“So what’s gonna happen if they let their dragons loose?” Varric asked Isabela over beer at The Hanged Man.

“Hawke will get to boast about not being a virgin? That’s not really a big deal, Varric. Not that she would, but—”

“No, I meant with…with…Anders and Justice.”

“Varric, that’s called a threesome.” The pirate captain was clearly intoxicated.

“I’ll ask you again during the hangover,” the dwarf sighed.


	4. Bad Romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you're a writer, people tell you the strangest stuff and you remember it vividly... No, I'm not telling you where Anders' story comes from. (Sorry, man, it's almost 4 AM and I'm on a writing kick--you're gonna have to deal with my shitty inspiration for now.)

“There was this one time,” Anders said with flushed cheeks, obviously embarrassed by this, “on my nameday where Karl crept into my bed—he was an excellent kisser—but we were so distracted by each other that he left the door open and two other apprentices saw us. He made sure they didn’t tell. So, the moral here is to never enthusiastically tease someone if the door is open. Another round, Hawke? I’m buying.”

My mind tripped and fell into the gutter, for which Varric takes all the blame. “Sure!” I said, trying not to picture Anders touching someone other than… I mean… Rubbing Karl’s back in gentle circles with his fingers and then perhaps, since he was on top—but he never mentioned if he was, you dirty girl—licking his back and going down slowly toward the curve of his—

Daddy always said I had a vivid imagination when we were all little; unlike my magic powers, sometimes it’s something I have no control over. “Anders!”

“Yeah?”

“On second thought, get me some water.”

“As you wish.” The smile and the bow—in spite of myself, I wondered if he…worked his magic on Karl.

Maker, no, I’m not jealous!


	5. He Tastes Like You

I don’t understand Fenris. I made a way-too-obvious pass at him (verbally, I’m not physically aggressive) and all he said was that he’d consider it. Anders said he was bad for me and I do need romantic companionship… “You’re a beautiful woman, Hawke. You’re capable, but Maker forbid I love you,” is what Fenris's silences tell me when I do flirt with the idea of us. It makes me so angry I could incinerate him, or at least give him scars to match my own. Or hit him with everything I have and walk away…and then go hit Anders for not…not…seeing an opportunity when he…

No. I am Lily Chaliè Hawke, not an opportunity. “I’ll only break your heart.” Challenge accepted, mage boy.


	6. All The Pretty Faces

_She’s a distraction, Anders. You never thought about Karl this much…and oh, your sheets are a little damp, Care to explain that?_ If spirits could smirk, Justice would be right now.

 _You know what I was doing_ , Anders snaps.

_Self-pleasure. The Maker’s watching._

_And why d’you think that’d make a difference to me?_

_Because you like to think of yourself as “a good man.”_

_I am!_

_You’d be nothing without my help, just a run-of-the-mill healer wanking off in the privacy of his little hovel…which you are. Lily is a distraction and with the way she’s been looking at that elf…he could be tearing off her clothes right now, giving her the time of her little human life, both of them rolling around on the floor_ —Maker, he’s getting turned on again. _She seems like the sort who would get it any way she could—_

 _DON’T FUCKING GO THERE!!! SHE’S NOT THAT SORT!!!_ The room is suddenly too humid and hot as he screams and his fist makes contact with the wall. He wishes there were debris, ash, fire. There’s a bucket of water in the corner of his room; he takes the wooden ladle and drinks a mouthful.

Silence. Justice is gone. For now.


	7. I'm Awkward, You're Gorgeous

It is entirely possible I’m just imagining things—I mean, Anders is a very busy man. “I like men with dark pasts,” I said when we met last year. “That explains your sexy, tortured look, then.” Maker, what was I _thinking_ , other than being struck dumb by a man about my own age?

Carver very helpfully kicked me in the ankle, giving me an excellent excuse for not making eye contact. “I…I…I should look in a mirror more often, then.” (I heard Carver sigh and stomp off.)

“My brother can be a prick, ignore him.”

“I noticed. I never thought I’d meet a woman who’d look past what I just told you.”

It has to be my sheltered upbringing because when I think about it my face burns and it’s really fucking annoying. Maker knows he’s not thinking of you—he’s got a life. Patients. A job to do. Passions. I’m the last person on his mind right now…but some part of me wishes I was the first, that I’m driving him as mad as he is doing to me…

Lily, get a fucking grip on yourself. Surely you realize how stupid you sound. Focus! Read a book! Do something!

…But then I think about him holding me and am reduced to fire. He won’t leave me alone no matter what and I fucking hate him for it.

Of course all hatred would vanish if he were to show up now and there would only be light, relief and need...


	8. New and A Bit Alarming

“Okay, guys, place your bets.”

“Three years, knowing both of them—twelve sovereigns,” Isabela said, drunk again.

“Six months—twenty-four,” put in Fenris.

“Ooh, this is getting heated…but I’ve written stories about them that are hotter than the actual act will be, probably. Of course the consummation will be charged and sexy no matter how _we_ write it, since she wants to push him up against the wall in frustration most of the time. I do enjoy a great love/hate relationship, even if they are friends most of the time. Until he pisses her off and you feel the charge and—”

“Let me see yours!” said Varric.

“You too?” Isabela giggled drunkenly. “There was this moment last week where the sexual tension was so palpable I wanted to get them alone in a room just to see—”

“Drinks for everyone!” Anders interrupted. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing of any interest to you, Anders,” Fenris assured him. “Varric was just about to tell another highly improbable story about Lily.”

“Actually, this one _might_ be plausible,” giggled Isabela.

“Oh, well, can I hear it, then?”

Isabela proceeded to snort into her drink. “You are so lucky she isn’t here…”

“What? What’s so funny?” He suddenly saw the money on the table. “I love The Hanged Man as much as the rest of you, but the tip you give doesn’t have to be _that_ big.”

“I am so tempted to take this in a very dirty direction,” said Isabela sweetly.

“Ah…well…resist the urge and don’t,” Anders said, the color rising in his cheeks.

“Spoilsport,” muttered Fenris.


	9. If I Was Stronger

I always feel overwhelmingly guilty visiting Anders’s clinic because we have an estate somewhere and he has nothing. Bare minimum, if anything—a bed, a water bucket, a bucket to piss and shit in and that’s the extent of it. “I’m a master of improvisation; at least living in the Circle taught me something,” he said to me ruefully as we stood in his room.

“How did you not crack? Surely their breathing down your neck drove you mad. I don’t mean to presume, but it would make me crack very quickly since that fate’s what Mum and Daddy kept us from.”

“…I came close, now and then. Karl would always manage to talk me out of whatever desperate measure I was planning.”

 _And I couldn’t in the same circumstances? I can imagine how he convinced you, too._ The bitter thought came automatically and my cheeks burned with shame. It wasn’t fair to Karl, who I’d met only when he’d already been made Tranquil.”Oh.”

“Does that bother you? That we were together? I mean, usually—”

“No!” I interrupted hastily. “You…see a lot when you’re a mage kid on the run. I had a friend once in Lothering who was seeing another girl. Her name was Margaret. I didn’t understand the attraction, seeing as I have a preference for…” _Eyes on the floor, eyes on the floor, no eye contact…_ “…Young men only, but that didn’t invalidate her feelings.”

“How many demons was it, Hawke? You must have dealt with them to be so wise, like I said.”

“Don’t flatter me. Please.”

“But I’m not! This is one of the reasons I love talking to you. We’re… I know where you’re coming from, I really…truly do.”

…I wish I was stronger against him, but…I like the melting. “And I really have to go. See you later, Anders.”


	10. A Fine Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally know two people who remind me of Carver and Anders; this was inspired by Carver being nasty to Anders in-game...and offline, years ago. Carver needs to chill.

“You’ve got a huge chip on your shoulder, y’know,” I heard Anders tell Carver once.

“It’s a big sword, magey.”

“Carver! Stop acting so immature!” I snapped, trying to figure out my sense of direction. “We have mages in this family!”

“But, Lily, this kid won’t fucking shut up!”

“He’s older than you and he’s trying to be polite; the least you can do is get that hatred out of your voice.”

“I wonder what you’re compensating for, Carver.”

“The size of his penis, of course,” I said.


	11. Burn Another Page

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A drabble a day keeps my feelings away... You know who you are--I'll pretend you can see these.

_I hate her_ , thinks Anders. _Now. Right now. I don’t know whether to kiss her or kill her half the time…and she’s a sweet girl._ Today—for once—his mind is his own. _I hate her because she’s not here. Reading a book, probably._ For once he’s annoyed by the stray cat in his clinic. “What d’you want? To torture me too? I can’t make your life any fucking better! I can’t even make _my_ life better! I don’t have enough milk for you! Try Hightown!”

The cat blinks, presumably takes his advice and darts out the door—Anders is too frustrated to worry about it. She doesn’t… She… He knows he’s bluffing, that the hate would vanish if she were to appear now…but the desire to pin her to the wall would still be there. Or a bed. His bed. Her—

“Anders, do you have any more of that salve?” One of his regulars comes in, visibly squirming.

“Yes, but my advice is don’t visit the port, Daniel.”

“It’s all I can afford.”

“Try servicing yourself; it costs you nothing.” _Maker knows it’s worked for me this long…_


	12. Prelude

“Hawke, do him.”

“Isabela, all you think about is sex.”

“Sex is like…reading a book, sweetheart. It’s a hobby.”

“I live with my mother.”

“So you _do_ want to…?”

“No! I don’t have _time_ for sex! I’m busy trying to make a name for myself in Kirkwall!”

“Well, sex is the fastest way to do it. I should know.”

“You also get rashes,” I said bluntly as she sucked down her whiskey.

“He’s practically begging for hugs! Lily, love, he likes kittens! I see no problem with this!”

“Believe it or not, his consent and comfort are important to me! I’d just be one more burden holding him down and—”

A long pause as we exchanged awkward glances. “Oh, you walked right into that one,” Isabela slurred. “He made breakfast for the last one even though she was pissed at him…or so Fenris says. We can take his word for it because Fenris hates your guy.”

“He’s not my guy!!!”

“So I can seduce him, then? Thanks for the—”

“No!!! Absolutely not!”

“Hey, Fenris,” Anders said as he came back with a plate of gravy, “I think they’re fighting over you.”

“Riveting, mage, riveting—Hawke?” he croaked out because my fork was suddenly inches from his throat.

“Anders has a name and you’d better use it or you’re at risk of no sex at all.” I sat back down and we all started eating, though I felt Anders looking at me from time to time. Or maybe I was imagining things again…


	13. This Isn't My Idea

_This is fucking ridiculous._ If he knows it, then she probably knows it and this whole…thing is beginning to piss him off. Especially since he’s awake at four in the morning and banging around in his sad excuse for a kitchen, trying to make tea and not wake up anyone…

…Except Merrill. _Shit._ “Anders? What are you doing?”

“Making tea. Can’t sleep.”

“You’re grumpy again. I thought you had changed,” the elf says, watching Anders hang a pot of water over the kitchen fire.

“Don’t change on a whim,” he said shortly. “Ever.”

“Why are you so grumpy?”

“No offense, Merrill, but I don’t think that’s any of your business,” he snaps, reaching for a fistful of tea leaves. “Lily is just…making me upset.” A deep breath.

“She’s asleep. I don’t remember—”

Anders reaches for his staff to speed up the tea heating process. “I don’t like her right now.”


	14. This Really Isn't Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame this one on my sister; she's fond of a certain subpar kids' film, I'm not and sometimes I enjoy ruining her childhood. So.

“I suppose I need to start looking for a suitable husband for you,” Mum said over breakfast one morning. “I’ve seen the way that Anders fellow looks at you…”

“With competitiveness, the urge to set me on fire and general dislike?”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Clearly you haven’t been paying attention, Mother,” Carver said, stabbing at his eggs.

“I swear, Carver Hawke, you can be so immature.”

“I just think Lily could do better, that’s all.”

“Who would you suggest, then, dear brother?”

“Fenris. Your elf friend. At least he’s got a man—”

My teacup went sailing across the breakfast table and barely missed Carver’s forehead. “LILY! Please! I just want peace in our home!” Mother exclaimed.

“Fenris hates me and mages—wouldn’t benefit any of us and you know Daddy wouldn’t approve.”

“But Anders is always whining about oppression. “

“It’s not whining! It’s passion!”

“Are you defending him?” Carver snapped, raising his eyebrows.

“No! Just trying to prove a point. Fenris leaves me cold and I’d rather have heat. Fire. Whatever,” I said, stomping off to fetch the broom. “That _doesn’t_ mean Anders!”

“Maker help me…” Mum sighed.


	15. Monster

The pillow is all he has left of his mother—ironically, it wasn’t until he joined the Chantry that he started making friends at all. “You’re lucky we have a stone house or Maker knows what I’d do with you,” he remembers her saying as she made that pillow. Everything before he was taken to the Circle was marked by bruises from bullies, loneliness and an aggression he couldn’t control. Started when he was twelve. Small fires just…burning in the house when they argued. “You do realize how serious this is? They will find you eventually and take you to the Circle.” (Most of the time he can’t remember his name from…before. Sometimes he wakes up thinking he knows it and then it’s gone again…and anyway, at this point he’s just Anders. But sometimes he remembers the first letter—)

“I’ll kill them when they come for me, Mother.”

“And get yourself _killed_?!” she fired back shrilly; even now remembering her voice makes him wince. “Taken from _me_?! After what happened to your father…no, no, I won’t stand for it! I won’t!” Her childish petulance—and he was the kid—made him sick. He watched her stab the needles in the velvet pillow in an effort to not feel his stomach churn.

“We’ve got to fight back somehow!”

“Submission is the only way with…these people! You know that! You’re mad to do otherwise.”

When the templars came to get him two months later, he was only allowed to bring the pillow with him to the Chantry. For some reason he still has it in spite of the broken relationship with his mother.


	16. At The End of the Day

I find it’s easiest to talk to him when I have a mug of cider in front of me and he’s got a stack of paperwork so eye contact isn’t an issue. “You don’t remember your name?”  
  
“Nope, Anders is just a nickname—it sort of stuck once I got to the Circle. My real name was obviously too clunky, whatever it was, because everyone started calling me that. Even Karl never knew it.”

 _Wow, something the two of you **didn’t** share._ “I see. How’d you get it?”

“My family’s from the Anderfells.” He snickered. “Get it?”

“Oh, hilarious,” I fired back dryly. “You want me to edit the manifesto?”

He actually looked at me and my gaze went back to the table. “You write?”

“Complete shit, but yes. A little.” I can feel the heat when it floods my face—very annoying because it happens whenever a man is even slightly decent to me. “I can fix your wording if—”

“Brilliant, Hawke! I don’t have an editor yet! …Thank you! Here, just recopy it and make changes.”

“You sure about this? I’m not very good at politics.”

“Don’t be afraid to get angry; this is your cause too.”

I grinned. “True enough. I can’t imagine it, freedom and happiness for mages like us.”

“I can.”

“Hothead,” I giggled. “Better to care too much than not at all.” He nodded and I felt proud of myself. I got thoughtful. “It’s…inhumane, what they’re doing.”

“That’s why I like you—you care in a way no one else does. About people.”

“Well, t-t-thank you.”


	17. Throw You On the Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anders and I tend to get frustrated with ourselves for the same reasons. There's the personal part. These stupid sketches are keeping me alive, you know, when you're not with me.

When he needs to get out of Kirkwall, which considering where he lives is pretty often, he heads for the Wounded Coast and the sea. Stinks less out there. At the Chantry they just had the rather ominous-looking lake that he and Karl learned to swim in. He began to fall out of love with Karl at the lake, when they were twenty-one and twenty-six, respectively. “I really don’t think forceful opposition is the best way to fight oppression, Anders.”

“So you want to take all this,” he said, jerking his thumb back at the tower behind them, “lying down? We’re _adults_ , Karl! Surely you realize how ridiculous this is, letting them keep us on a leash instead of giving us freedom of choice! The idea of the Tranquil needs to be eradicated…by violence, if necessary,” he added in a low voice.

“I wouldn’t let Irving hear you say that or you might get solitary treatment again.”

“Nothing will change if we do things quietly! That’s…That’s your problem! You sit back and you fuckin’ let them push you around! You’ve always been that way since we were boys!” He was pacing up and down on the dock now, water falling in droplets from his long blond hair, pulled back in the usual ponytail; he had longer hair in those days. “Makes me sick to see you act like a kicked mabari! You’re better than that, I know!”

“…I’m going swimming,” was all Karl said; he walked to the dock edge and dived…

But Anders is still standing on the coast with salt in his hair and the present is just as confusing. _Hawke understands. She always has in spite of Carver being an arse about our plight. Remind me to punch the bastard if he says anything to her… She’s not thinking of me now, though; out of sight, out of mind…but not out of mine. I can’t…can’t…can’t… I should be stronger than this!!!_

A few feet away, a stray piece of driftwood catches on fire.


	18. Wicked Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a true story. Ha.

I was taken aback by the fact that there was a crack in the wall when I was done hitting it…with my fists, not magic. I wasn’t aware my arms are that strong—thank the Maker it was in my bedroom and not somewhere in the main hall. “What?!” I snapped at Lionel. “I’m frustrated! If he wants me to fuck off, he should just tell me to my face!” _Of course it would kill me, but…_ “I know what an annoying little maggot I can be,” I sighed, letting Lionel jump up on my legs, “but Maker knows it’s unintentional. _Anders_ is the one who makes no—No, it’s my fault. I’ve always been bad at reading the intentions of men, buddy. Maybe Justice has warped him to a point that he’s too cold to…but I _know him_! He’s never been like…anyone else.”

Lionel just licked my hand.

“…You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”


	19. Wolves

He’s only going to hurt me, Maker knows, but I’m drawn to him anyway. No, he’s not my project, no, I’m not going to fix him and no, I shouldn’t overanalyze. But you have to. If you don’t, you’re not prepared for social battles—it’s like going into battle without your staff. Without it, you’re nothing. I can make him feel like nothing to me if I try hard enough…

…But since when, Lily Hawke, has that ever worked? Everything always winds up being my fault. Bethany’s death was my fault—I don’t care, Mum can squawk all she wants about forgiving me, but some part of her will always blame me. Being on the run since I was old enough to toddle? My fault. Anders not talking to me? My fault, because I’m an effusive bitch who never knows when to shut up. Not becoming of a Hawke, especially not one with a formidable manor like ours…so the only thing I can do is bury my head in the pillow and scream.

_There’s always Fenris if this doesn’t…_

“But I don’t _want_ Fenris!”


	20. Sin

It’s not just Anders that has to deal with an insidious voice in his mind—not a Fade spirit, but essentially something similar. It cuts into my self-worth like one of Isabela’s knives. _Give it up, Hawke. How dare you be happy when he could be hating your guts right now. Remember, everything that has ever happened in your dealings with people has been…whose fault?_

_Mine._

_A little louder, Lily, love. I can’t hear you…_

_Go away!_

_Whose fault is it? Whose fault will it be, ultimately, if he rips you apart?_

“Mine!!! My fault! Mine!!! Mine!!!”

“Lily, what’s going on in there?”

“Nothing, Mum. Nothing at all.”


	21. To Feel Something

There was that time I lost my temper when I was twelve and nearly froze a boy to death—we had to run because of that. Again. The sunlight blurring my eyes as he kept pushing me and pushing me with his insults and then the ice came out of my fingers. Sometimes it does that now that I’m an adult. “Lily Hawke, you’re a fucking pretentious bitch! No one will ever love _you_! There’s no one out there who will, either, so you’d better quit with your reading and realize you’re no better than the rest of—”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” I hit him, I fucking knocked the bastard over and hit him with the ice until the tips of his fingers were frostbitten…and then I hit him in the face just in case he didn’t get the message. Fleeing for it a few hours later was almost worth it, and Daddy said he would’ve done the same in my position.

“It’s about time someone gave Jonathan what’s been coming to him.”

“Malcolm!” Mum scolded.

“What? You know you were thinking it too, Leandra.”

I stopped trusting men who weren’t Carver and Daddy after that.


	22. I'll Make It Go Away

Since he became Justice’s host, a lot of the time he can’t sleep and he wakes up in the morning missing his cat. At least Ser Pounce-A-Lot’s presence kept the…nightmares, night terrors, whatever they were away. He briefly wonders if King Alistair’s nightmares are just as bad; it’s been so long since he was a Grey Warden that sometimes he forgets he still is one…

…Until the nightmares resurface. But someone else is banging around in the kitchen this morning. “I need a second cup or I’m going to lose it…”

“Lily?”

“Andraste’s tits, Anders, you scared me! I was just about to make my second cup of tea! I…can’t sleep and I know tea won’t help, but it calms me down anyway. What’s your excuse for being up so early?” she asks wryly, watching her mug steam. She’s bad with eye contact but he’s used to it by now.

“I miss my cat,” he says honestly.

“I don’t even have that excuse—I’m just lonely.”

“How can you be? You’ve got…us.”

“Not early in the morning; no one can put up with me,” she says, trying to blink the sleep out of her green eyes. “No use burdening my family with my problems.”

“But you feel them.”

“So?” she snaps.

“So they matter.”

“…You do know how to flatter a woman, don’t you?” she says, smiling bitterly. “Been taking lessons from Fenris?”

“Not if I can help it; he’s got the personality of a rabid mabari.”

“You know, this is ridiculous, but sometimes I wish his compliments meant something to me. This is stupid; I’m twenty-six and talking like a twelve-year-old girl and I need to be less needy. Sometimes I look at all of you or wake up in the middle of the night and I just feel lost. Like I’ll never be good enough for anyone at all.”

“Don’t deny what you feel, Hawke.”

“I’d like to see _you_ try it!” she flares up, defiantly taking a seat at his sad excuse for a table. “Being scared all the time that the Maker’s going to take the people you love away. He does, you know; I must have pissed him off really badly because he took Daddy and then Bethany and he could always take you just to see how I’d take it and…I worry. About everything.” There’s a slight quaver in her voice and they’ve both run out of words.

“Hawke, I…”

“I hurt too, you know!”


	23. Alan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something similar has happened to me more than once in reality. The most recent one was this afternoon. Yes, it hurt to write but it's therapeutic. Based on Alan Turing's theme on _The Imitation Game_ soundtrack, so that's the reason for the title. Seriously, go watch this movie--it's _so_ important.

I hate that even when he’s not present he fills my stomach with butterflies…and we don’t see each other that much. Slum work takes up of all of his time, but Carver says that’s no excuse. “Have you heard from him?”

“Last winter.”

“That’s not hearing from someone.”

“What do you know about it?!!” I yelled; Uncle Gamlin winced.

“Maker take you both, I’m trying to write!”

“I know this may _shock you_ ,” I snarled, ignoring Uncle, “but some people don’t have an estate to be bought back like we do!”

“He only talks to you once every six months! That’s not a—”

“I FUCKING HATE YOU SOMETIMES, CARVER HAWKE! YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HOMELESS, HAVE YOU?!” I had him backed into the wall, dagger to his throat. “LEAVE ANDERS ALONE!!!”

“Sister, put the knife down. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“You coward,” I spat out. “Try thinking outside your own limited viewpoint for once. I _did_ hear from him five months ago!”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it anymore!”

“I don’t know why I bother justifying myself to you. You don’t care and it’s not as if you ever will care since all you can see is his faults! Bethany would never be as cruel as you’ve been and—”

“—And he probably doesn’t love you as much as you think he does.”

I let Carver go and stormed out of Uncle Gamlin’s house. Why must they spoil the only lasting relationship with a man that I’ve ever had?!


	24. And Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brienne was my very, very first Dragon Age character so she's extremely special even though I never beat the entire game with her. She's also part of Anders's underground mage movement.

“Alright, I can show you the way out, but you’ll have to hurry. I only used it to help Jowan once…”

“You’re a goddess, Brienne Amell.”

“Spare me the flattery, Anders. At least you have Karl to reciprocate your affection. Cullen is an odd duck…”

“Not anymore.”

“You finally left him?” The brunette mage was busy trying to open the passage entrance.

“All the convincing in the world wouldn’t get him to help us. He doesn’t understand…”

“Just run, Anders, run for all of us. Maybe this time you’ll actually make it out into the…fresh air.” She smirked. “Maybe the third time’s the charm.”


	25. Suerte

"Range is important when casting ice spells. The advantage is that you never miss,” Anders told me, freezing a spider as an example.

“Yes, but that was one spider! What about when five or six are attacking me?”

“You _can_ run, you know, Lily.”

“You forget that I have pride. Flight’s cowardly unless you're at risk of death.”

“Sometimes you do what you have to do, Lily.”

“Like flatter susceptible mages just because you can?”

“Not because I can, but because I’m inclined to be truthful. So, tell me, how many demons was it you made a deal with?”

Argh, sometimes I hate him for making me awkward and feverish. “Life would certainly be more interesting if demons were involved, but there haven’t been any so far except…” _Steady your breathing, Lily Hawke, you’re not supposed to be susceptible to this. Maker, if he even moves I’m going to burn up…_ “…Loneliness. You realize a lot of girls have married by now?”

“You think too much about it.”

“Can you blame me? No one ever thinks of me…and anyway, no sane man would want a mage wife…”

“…Unless he was also a mage.”

“That’s forbidden,” I said stiffly.

“You’re an apostate! Since when did rules matter to you?”

“They never have. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to set that spider on fire now…”


	26. Song of Storms

“Varric, I really do hate him!”

“…Hawke said exasperatedly, but not really meaning it.”

“And I hate when you do that.”

“…Hawke muttered through gritted teeth.”

“I swear, Varric, when I see him next I’m going to set him on fire!”

“…Hawke said, letting the unresolved sexual tension settle in the bar.”

“Hey!!”

“You wouldn’t do that, y’know. Set Blondie on fire. If he walked into the bar right now, you’d hesitate. Might make him cry.”

“Well, I wouldn’t speak to him, then!”

“Lily, can I please call bullshit on that? He walks in the room and you get this dazed expression, like you want him to ram his staff—”

“Ow!”

“…I didn’t mean his actual staff. I meant the other one.”

“But I don’t know how…”

“Here, there are several book recommendations I could give you. Pass me a quill, dear, and hide them from Leandra…”


	27. Kirkwall Breakfast Tea

At night there’s just heavy oppression and anxiety and I know I’m being ridiculous. Get up, sip my (cold by now) tea and sit on my bed staring into space. Even with us living in the slums, he has it worse. As a kid you’re so focused on the romance of the Grey Wardens that you ignore the part about the Darkspawn taint and the nightmares. I have nightmares enough worrying about his welfare; dreaming about the dragon Archdemon would be so much worse. Is it every night? Once a month? Once a week? It must drain him, though I’ve never heard him talk about it much. 

_He’s not thinking of you, Lily. He’s twenty-seven and you’ll be twenty-six soon enough on your next nameday, so grow up! Right now, preferably, but…but is he well and happy? That’s really all that counts to me…_


	28. Monster (DotEXE Remix)

"Anders, Anders, focus. It’s your wife. It’s me. It’s Lily. No one can hurt you in The Eyrie, I promise… Let me go get some tea and a poultice… Look at me.” He’s aware that he’s breathing way too hard for a man just lying in bed next to his wife. Where…? Oh, Maker, not again…

Anders sidesteps Lionel the mabari hound and groggily heads for their bedroom door. “What happened, love? Did Justice…? Love! Lily! Hawke!” He hears the panic rising in his own voice. “Maker, don’t fucking die on me! Lily!”

“I’m here, love, I can only climb the stairs with a mug of tea so fast!” The steward must have fixed it or had a cup waiting; he knows the lord and lady of the manor are fond of it. Sweet dwarf man, Anders thinks, even though he and his wife never can remember his name; between the two of them, he’s just B.

She comes into focus for him, the only someone who can keep him sane at all times. “I want you to tell me what happened, Lily. I don’t remember… Did Justice…?”

“No, no, I’m not hurt—it was just for a few seconds, that’s all,” she says, handing him the mug and putting an arm around him. “Just…It was just your eyes, they glowed and then Justice left and you came back. You always come back for me, remember?”

“I don’t…I don’t know what I’d do without you; no one has been as brave as you have…” Damn it, he’s choking up and gulps the tea to hide it.

“You find your way around well enough,” she says gently. “Our marriage isn’t a joke—when we wrote up those vows for ourselves, I meant to keep them. I love you, Anders, and I always will.”

He puts down the mug and pulls her into his lap. “And I you. I always knew.”


	29. Lashing Out or Breaking Down

There is no other way out except violence; even his wife is beginning to realize that the night before the attack. He doesn’t want to tell her because more than likely she would want to help and he’s not going to risk her life if he doesn’t have to. He probably has enough anger for both of them, three if you count Vengeance. He’ll take the damage to himself far faster than exposing her to pain…not that she hasn’t had enough of that already. “Shut them out for me tonight, alright?” he says, gently peeling off her tunic. “Just tonight.”

“I can…try. Never, never, never stop setting me on…”

“Fire?”

“Yes, yes,” she sighs, gnawing at his left ear.

“Maker, you need to stop teasing me! We’re married now!”

“…But I love driving you mad! I can’t do that with anyone else!”

“Because I beat the rest to the punch. Fenris has no idea what he’s missing out on…”

“Varric will be writing about us.”

“Let him write,” he says huskily. “Or tell his stories. I can do _much_ more creative things with my tongue…”

“ _Can_ you, now?” she laughs; Lily never laughs and it’s like there’s light everywhere…

“They’re so interesting in fact that we can stay right here on the floor.”

“I always wanted to know what it was like on the floor instead of…”

“Well, I can show you…”


	30. Anywhere

“Lily,” Cullen said, his voice echoing in the Templar Courtyard, “you asked me once if I had a conscience. Do you remember?”

I was still tense, bathed in moonlight, expecting him to turn on me now that Meredith was dead and the crisis was over. “Arrest Anders Hawke and you’ll answer to me,” I said firmly. “What I did just now to Meredith can just as easily be done to y—”

“Stand down, Hawke!”

“Which one?” Anders and I asked in unison.

“Both of you. I’m not arresting either of you.”

“Have you lost your mind, Cullen?” I asked carefully. “My husband just blew up the Kirkwall—D-D-Did I say husband? Friend. My best friend blew up the…”

“I know how much you value him, Lily, so…go in peace. May the Maker watch over you.”

“Well, I’m glad your moral sense finally kicked in!” I called as we headed for the docks…what was left of us, anyway. Merrill and Aveline were nowhere to be seen now that the worst of the fighting was over; they’d probably gone back to their homes. It was me and my two best male friends…like six years ago, when I was twenty-five.

“So, what now? They’re not going to welcome you here with open arms.”

“You think, Varric?” Anders threw out dryly. “There are Maker knows how many festering corpses behind us…”

“I was under the impression that was a normal occurrence,” I said, taking Anders’s hand in mine and swinging it.

“…You have a good point, love. Not much different from what we’ve been doing.”

“And one day, drunk men in bars will sing ballads about us off-key, the married couple who led the mage rebellion…and their best friend, Varric, notorious storyteller and ladies’ man.”

“Or they could just tell stories and spare us an earache,” Varric muttered. “Speaking of stories, I’ve got a gift for you, Lily, before you sail off mysteriously to…”

“Amaranthine,” said Anders. “We’re getting Ser Pounce-A-Lot back now that we’re married fugitives.”

“Sounds like fun. I’ve never been to Amaranthine,” I said.

“It’s really—”

“Uh, you two…” Varric interrupted, pulling out a black leather volume of blank vellum, “…can share this. I want a primary source for the sake of the story when I tell it.”.

“Thank you, Varric, but…you can have the old one,” I said, handing him the battered brown journal that’s lasted me all these years. “I’d much rather start fresh.”

“Y’know,” Varric said, clutching my journal while I leaped into Anders’s arms, “it’s so weird seeing you guys happy.”


	31. The Road Less Traveled By

I probably should have killed him, but when you love someone as much as I love him you…can’t. Yes, he committed a grave crime. Yes, he killed anyone who was unlucky enough to be in the tower at the moment. Yes, there were corpses on the ground, but I could hurt anyone except him. “I always believed the Maker loves us all…and unconditionally. I love you, Anders Hawke. Help me defend the mages.”

“Have you lost your senses, Lily?!!” Fenris growled. “He just… You’re defending him after all this?!”

“I don’t kill indiscriminately and not unless I have to, you bastard,” I snapped. “I love him. Lay a hand on him, say one word against him and I won’t hesitate to kill you. Who ratted me out to Meredith’s face after we let those mages go?!”

“I’m not defending these mages for you or anyone else!”

“You’ll never let go of that sick hate, will you? Fuck off!”

“With pleasure.”

I think at that point Anders had to physically restrain me from attacking Fenris. “Yes, my name is Lily Hawke and I’m a selfish bitch because all I’ve ever wanted is love!!! Anders gives me that and you never have…though you fooled me into thinking you could once years ago.”

Fenris was already walking away.


	32. One Night and One More Time

“You’re a beautiful woman, Lily, very capable,” Fenris admitted to me once. How old was I then, twenty-eight? _He did not just use the b word on me._ Seeing as it came from a man who didn’t trust my kind or my judgment, I was flattered in spite of my good sense. He had a bottle of that unpronounceable wine out; I remember avoiding his eyes.

“High praise coming from you,” I laughed.

“Is there no one else who has your…attention?”

 _Maker, I hate you, but you’re good at this._ “Not yet. I could give you a few more problems to add to the pile…”

“Only a few?”

I was trying to not grin. “You’ve done well for yourself out here. I’m an apostate mage and you’re an elf; neither of those things bother me.”

“You aren’t most people, clearly.”

 _Do stop before I fall for this. Stop, stop, stop._ “My mother knows that all too well.”

“I’m sure she does. It’s something to consider, at any rate.”

…And then Anders kissed me in the clinic and it was like an explosion of light and Fenris was a pale shadow in comparison. I’ve never regretted the choice I made since, I’m proud to say.


	33. Tempest

“Fenris, she’s been in there awhi—” Varric was saying, suddenly aware of noises in the clinic. “Is that…Blondie _panting_? Shit, I want a window… Think of the blackmail we could have on him.”

“It _has_ to be the mage; Lily would never sound so…”

“…Turned on? Ow, Fenris, that was my fucking foot!”

“I love when you go all hot-headed revolutionary!” That was very clearly Lily’s voice and in the most out-of-character girlish voice Varric had ever heard his best friend use.

“And hard-headed, just like his—” Lily cut Varric off by stumbling dreamily out of the clinic, her thoughts clearly elsewhere.

“Oh, hello, what are your names again?” she sighed happily.


	34. A Window To The Past

On the rare occasion that we have to unwillingly part, _she_ , stubborn as ever, insists on taking Ser Pounce-A-Lot with her. “He’s you in animal form and since I can’t manage without you…”

“…You’re going to leave Lionel with me,” I sighed, grudgingly scratching her dog behind the ears.

“Who has a better chance of fighting off the templars if they come knocking?” she asked, rubbing Pounce’s belly while he meowed in appreciation.

“You underestimate Pounce, love. He kept me and Queen Lily alive more than once.”

“As much as I’d love to believe your arguments to the contrary, Anders, I don’t think templars and darkspawn are the same thing.”

“…Must you go?” I asked her, unable to hold back the longing in my voice. “I miss you keeping me sane, as selfish as that sounds.” I picked her up and Pounce had the good sense to leap for the nearest chair.

“Mm, I’m just as selfish as you. I don’t…want to go, believe me. Why can’t we just…make time stop? You know, there’s got to be a spell for it somewhere…”

“I’d rather not go back to the Circle to find it, love,” I said wryly.

“Stay safe, will you? Promise me, promise me, promise me,” she panted, kissing my face repeatedly; Maker, she does know how to drive me mad… “Because if they hurt you, someone will pay—Anders!” she squeaked as I reached for her and kissed her as passionately as I could; Pounce was…somewhere and really I wasn’t aware of anything or anyone else in the tiny room. Just…Just her arms around my neck; all I need in the world is her presence.

“No heroics, love. Come back alive.”

“Me and Pounce, I promise.”


	35. Fixer Upper

“I got you a reindeer,” I said cheerily. “A stuffed one. Since your family is from the Anderfells and they use reindeer there…I think.”

“Very sweet, Lily, but we came here for my cat and the ship might sail for Ferelden without us.”

“I was thinking you could name it Varric.”

Anders studied the plush reindeer carefully. “You know, I will. What Varric doesn’t know isn’t going to hurt him…”


	36. The Way You Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Varric tells me a bedtime story.

It was the night of the final battle against Meredith. I should know, kid, because I was there. Anders and Lily were off to the side when suddenly…Fenris came running through the Gallows courtyard. “Hawke! Lily! Wait! I see the light now! My hatred of you was just a disguise for my deep, abiding love! Meeting you was the most important thing that ever happened to me and _nothing will keep me from you_!” He tore her away from Blondie, shoved her against the wall and kissed her with his tongue right there in front of--

Kid, why are you looking at me like that? Oh, she loved Blondie? No, no, I made that part up because I’m fond of unbreakable bonds in my writing. Actually, she and Fenris got to—He hated mages partly to hide his love for Hawke--

What, Inquisitor? This is what you want to hear, isn’t it? Something romantic with a big, unexpected revelation? No? You’re fond of Blondie, too, huh? Must be a mage thing. Okay, so the truth is none of that happened because Fenris was a bit of a prick and Lily loved the noises Anders made when he kissed her. _Now_ will you go to sleep?


	37. That Lord of Castamere

“If I paid you enough coin,” Varric says to his associate, “could you send some of your people keep the templars off Blondie’s back?”

Tyrion smiles ruefully. “I’m at least slightly fairer than my father would be. Why not? Money practically sings to me. Thanks for the drinks; I’m off to visit this Blooming Rose everyone keeps talking about—”

“Wait, don’t forget your coins! We dwarves have our pride, after all. That should be the equivalent of…what’s the currency there? The important one?”

“Dragons,” Tyrion says with a smirk. “In more ways than one, Tethras.”

“Eight hundred gold dragons…and don’t spend it all on one girl, my lord.”

“Of course not! I’m in charge of the Seven Kingdoms’ treasury! I have excellent financial sense! The drinks are on me next time, Tethras…and Lannisters always pay their debts.”


	38. Dark Wings, Dark Words

The separation anxiety has always been the worst part, but it’s a very small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. I’ve grown cold and guarded since Fenris turned on us and eventually the Kirkwall mages we banded up with told us to move on as well. “I’ll just be gone for a few days to get us passage to Ferelden; Alistair will protect us.”

“I never doubted that,” I answered, watching Pounce leap onto the table.

“Are you alright, love?”

“Not…Not really. Won’t you go too, like everyone else?” I asked him, unable to hide the pain in my voice. Sheer terror, really. “I mean, you can…”

“No, no, love, shh. Are you still having…?”

“I hate it, but yes. Don’t, Anders, don’t be like everyone else who turns on me whenever they get a chance… I love you too much. They always leave…”

“I understand. It’s alright. I’ll always be here…”


	39. Isolation

She is the Champion and has borne far worse than a little thing like _separation_. Losing the people you care about in your life breeds a slight, terrifying paranoia. This will call on all the reserves of strength she’s got—she’s lucky if she manages to stumble out of bed and fix some hot oatmeal for herself in this tiny, drafty house. She eats mechanically, picks up Pounce in her arms and curls up in bed with the cat. _If I don’t feel anything I can live, if I don’t feel anything I can live… He hates you. He will go this time and you will have no one to blame but yourself, Hawke… You hurt everyone who comes into contact with you. Someday he will walk out that door and never--_

There are tears in her eyes. “SHUT UP, I SAID!!! SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!”


	40. Fever Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based partly on my own real life anxiety attacks.

You don’t want to be in my head, either. I mean, he’s got Justice and all that hate to deal with, but being in my mind isn’t much fun either. If I’m possessed by any spirit, he’s called Insecurity and he’s one of the fucking scariest things I’ve had to face because he won’t leave me alone…and he surfaces during long, gray weeks when Anders vanishes. He does that; after all these years with him, I’ve learned to not ask too many questions. I trust him totally, which makes that voice’s surfacing all that much worse.

_Whose fault, Hawke, will it be if he leaves you?_

Gulping back the terror. “Mine.”

_Say one wrong thing and he will walk away, won’t he? He may not come back this time and then where will you be?_

“Go away!”

_Ah, I can’t do that; I’m already here…_


	41. Western Sky

“It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly.”  
 

“Cheap advice from a dragon,” I muttered, forgetting for a moment who I was speaking to. Something about Flemeth frightened me and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do…or what _she_ would do. _When you know you have wings to catch you, falling isn’t a problem. What about those of us without wings?  
_

“We all have our challenges.” I could have hit her in her elderly face for that patronizing response.


	42. I See Fire

I felt like I’d been dipped in ice water when I read Varric’s letter; I was clutching Pounce so tightly that he squirmed. “So what’s the news?” Anders asked, pouring himself a cup of tea and coming to sit next to me on our bed. “Love? Come on, have a sip of this…”

I practically gulped half of it. “We didn’t… I didn’t…I… Damn it all!!!” I screamed.

“Shh, Lily, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“I failed, Anders, _again_. We didn’t kill Corypheus.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s come back. Somehow. I…can never fix anything, can I?” I asked, trying not to choke. “He…He…destroyed Haven, love, and the Herald’s been missing for days…”

“The Trevelyan girl that resembles you, the one Varric says is your twin?”

“Yes, her, that poor girl… I can’t just sit here!!” I fumed.

“Well, neither can I in—”

“No! I nearly lost you twice! If I go, I go alone…but trust me, I don’t want to.”


	43. Drugs That You've Stolen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll never find her like again.”

“Hawke? Can I have a word?”

“Yes, Cullen, what is it?”

“You might…want to tell your…”

“Anders?”

“Yes…” He’s avoiding her eyes.

“Aubrey Amell—Brienne, that is—is…dead. She…perished when the Ferelden Circle tower…”

“…Oh. I see. He always thought very highly of her; she was like a sister to him… Cullen, are you…?”

“I’ll never find her like again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh…nothing.”


	44. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s been too long since I heard you beg for something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For someone I miss very much...assuming he reads these things.

I have no regrets, even when we’re apart—I suppose I am my mother’s daughter in some ways. “Anders, I’m leaving for Skyhold this morning.”

“Tell Varric I’ve held you captive and you can’t,” he says into his pillow.

“I already told him I’d go…”

“Plans can change, Lily.”

“Varric would say sex is no excuse.”

“But it’s a perfectly valid excuse!”

“It’s been too long since I heard you beg for something.”

“Five more minutes with me. Please. You know we never get this much…”

“Pounce might get jealous.”

“Eh, let him.”


	45. Who Tells Your Story

I noticed Lily was lingering on the battlements after she’d asked me questions. “Yes, Inquisitor?”

She noticeably winced. “Lily, please. Don’t…keep me at a distance, Hawke, I hate that. I’m…not a prophet or a goddess or anything; I swear I’m a person. Do you know…how many people I got killed at Haven?” she said in a strained, shaky voice. “If I were what they said I am, no one would have died.”

“We can’t control who lives and dies, you know,” I said in a soft voice, thinking of Fenris burning alive in front of me.

“Couldn’t you have saved Fenris, though?”

“I did everything I could. He wanted to die and refused to be peaceful. Sometimes…people are so full of hate that you can’t save them no matter what you do—we can’t control things.” I laughed bitterly. “I suppose that’s why we mages are so feared. Lily…the only thing we can do is adapt…and you’re doing everything you can to protect them.”

“Does it ever get easier? The whole heroine business, I mean.” I could feel her gaze on me. “I didn’t ask to be important, you know.”

“I’ll let you know.”


End file.
